I haven’t written in a while, and thought that looking at the daily post suggestion would be helpful. When I saw that the word was detonate, I thought, “there’s nothing going on in my life right now that would allow me to accurately use that word.” I started to consider using a word from a previous day, then I realized just how appropriate “detonate” really was for my current state in life.
I don’t remember if I already mentioned it or not, but I’m in a new-ish relationship and nothing about it is conventional – at least not for me. I expected to be with someone who was closer to my age, never-before-married, no kids, and someone who was Black. Needless to say, I got the opposite of all of those things, but I’m happy.
I just finished writing a processing post, where I analyzed my reactions to things and figured out why I’ve been emotional lately. The biggest reason, even if it’s happening on a subconscious level, is that the expectations I’ve had for my life for YEARS are being detonated. As a person who feels a strong compulsion to be in control all the time, this is disconcerting, unfamiliar, and uncomfortable. There are times when I feel lost, but I find my way back because of the love that is waiting for me in this relationship. In some ways, I’m reminded of God’s promise in the bible with the rainbow, and how shit really had to hit the fan before something beautiful could come (yes, lol, I just used God and shit in the same sentence). Like the phrase, it’s darkest before the dawn. I’m not saying things are really bad right now, just that this emotional-me isn’t exactly typical.
I realized today that I’m going through an adjustment period and, similar to clients whom I’ve given the diagnosis, “Adjustment Disorder,” nothing is easy during those transition. Also, relationships are WORK, and I been knowin that. Sometimes, though, I guess I take a sip of the ‘brand-new’ kool-aid and start to forget a little.
Aside from the relationship, though, I’m also about to have to take on another new identity as a non-student with a full-time job. Internship starts in a couple of months, and I’ve been a student for 23 years of my life. So many transitions are on the horizon, and I can’t do anything about them, except try to navigate them gracefully. Even if it feels like certain parts of my life are being destroyed/reconstructed/tilled, there’s beauty in the new growth…and I’ve just gotta watch patiently until the seasons bring forth blossoms.