Anyone, wake me up.

It’s been a busy few months, which is why I haven’t written in a while. The main reason is that I was traveling nationwide for internship but, more recently, I’ve been trying to navigate my emotions with regard to this election.

I marched in solidarity with women all over the world to express that we will not stand idly by while this bigoted fascist attempts to create hell in the U.S. It was such an empowering and inspiring time; while there, I felt prepared for what lay ahead. But then things began to spiral out of control, at least that’s the way it feels. A few days ago, I found out that my internship options could be affected by dt’s federal hiring freeze. This made me furious…more furious than I already was. I’m trying to think positively about the situation, and walk by faith – even though it’s sometimes discouraging.

Today, though, I’m most enraged by his attempts to ban Muslims from entering this country. I am infuriated by the fact that people I love voted in favor of this sorry excuse for a man.

I want to rage about it and accuse people of their idiocy, hypocrisy, and complicity in these heinous acts, but I know that it wouldn’t be well-received. I am livid and ashamed to have parents who are pastors who voted for him and support him because he claims to be a “born-again Christian” who will rule in favor of Jerusalem.

Let me say this: I care about people of all races, ethnicities, religions, etc. But my question is: how can you vote for someone on one premise and completely neglect all of his prior misdeeds? Sexually assaulting women, hate speech, racism, homophobia, and more – in addition to a lack of political experience…HOW? how does any of this make sense?

My heart aches for the people who are most affected by this. It is a literal ache, an emptiness that remains unquelled no matter how I spend each day. I recognize that I hold privilege in many areas, despite being a racial, ethnic, sexual minority, and I aim to use that privilege to help those who need it. Tonight I saw this picture, captioned thus:

While millions of you Christian parents sit in church tomorrow and sing about your devotion to Jesus while YOUR children are nearby playing, laughing, eating snacks, and being told they matter—consider this and your need for repentance.

16300326_1335956196427581_438792438020878047_o.jpg

I was immediately brought to tears, and am typing through them currently. Can you imagine the anguish, the fear, the uncertainty, and the overall devastation of these families? Can you honestly say that THIS is what Jesus would do? I cannot fathom how my dad claims to have heard God’s voice with such certainty regarding his vote. I wonder if the God I serve somehow became different from the one my dad serves over the years.

My God. I know her/him to be loving, accepting, patient, merciful, kind, forgiving, and humble. I feel so hurt, distraught, confused, ashamed, abandoned just thinking about how some “Christians” can say that this is what God would want. How can you justify an immigration ban when Jesus welcomed everyone? How can you call yourself a Christian?

While I am inspired by the displays of solidarity and the fact that a federal judge blocked dt’s ban, I simultaneously am incredibly saddened and angered. I hope that every single person who voted for this person feels a heavy burden of guilt and recognizes their complicity with profound shame. I hope that they, then, act to correct it, mobilize, and advocate for all of us.

Once again, I am finding myself unproductively angry. I recently had a post published where I talked about being productively angry and how that came about after weeks of despairing. But I’m back to the same place. I’m recognizing the immensity of this turmoil and feeling discouraged because I am one person. Yes, I know – one person in a multitude of goal-oriented individuals, but right now I feel hopeless.

I feel angry that one of my “close” friends still staunchly supports this person. Earlier tonight, part of our conversation was like this:

–[dt]’s clearing us from TTP like he said though! I’m sure even you can get behind that! You gotta judge the guy on more than social issues! …Do you like or dislike his attention to social media and letting us know what’s going on?

-The economy and whatever else is irrelevant when people’s lives are in jeopardy. At this point, there’s nothing he can do that I would get behind beside eliminate my student debt or recuse himself from the office. …The only reason he cares about social media is bc it validates his fragile ego. I’d rather him do a good job as a president via conventional methods than to be wasting time on social media.

For some people, this is a laughing or trivial matter because it doesn’t directly affect them. It may not directly affect me, but my emotions beg to differ. This is painful and maddening. I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry or hurt in my life. I want to yell at the people I care about and make them understand that this is not right. I want them to feel embarrassed. I want them to stand with me in righteous anger to protest and mobilize for justice. I want justice. We need it.

I want to not feel so alone in this. I know that I’m not, but I guess what I’m really saying is I want my family to be in this fight with me.

I think of my clients who are somewhat sheltered from this sad and harsh reality because they are incarcerated youth. I’m glad that in this facility, they are safe, but I am fearful thinking about what awaits them when they are released. I care about them deeply and wish I could shelter them forever. I wish I could shelter all of us from this. How can one man have so much power and use it for evil, and be so widely supported…in this day and age? History is repeating itself and it’s scary. I don’t feel prepared for this. I want it to stop. I wish that tomorrow I could wake up and it be November 9th, 2016, and I would hear the media say that someone else won the election. This feels like a nightmare.

It is a nightmare.

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